MOVIE REVIEW #5 - NORTHPOLE

MOVIE REVIEW #5 - Northpole

Ok I know that a lot of these Christmas movies are bad movies with very little plot, but most of the time there is at least a little magic in them. I am sad to say that Hallmark Channel's "NORTHPOLE" is lacking completely.  I wanted to like this movie, because the "Santa is real" genre is one of my favorites, but for the most part I couldn't.

Ok the plot is a pretty typical "Christmas heals a broken heart" + "Santa is real+It's Christmas, let's save the park". Tiffany Thiessen (yes that one from Saved by the Bell and 90210 ) plays a single mom / reporter who moves to a new town with her son Kevin. Kevin is a weird kid who no one likes (this doesn't really change much) and is having a hard time adjusting to the new town. 

Soon after arrival they find out that the town's tree-lighting ceremony has been cancelled for some seemingly nefarious reason. Mom the reporter assisted by Kevin's creepily involved teacher, Kevin, and this strange elf girl Clementine, try to save not only the town's tree lighting ceremony, but Northpole (the town where Santa and the elves live. (There is this oddly well thought-out magic in which happiness and Christmas cheer on earth makes the northern lights that in turn powers Santa's toy making operations),

Anyway without ruining the so called plot: the tree lighting happens, the town is saved, Tiffany Thiessen learns to believe in her kid and fall in love with his teacher, and Christmas is saved. 

I was trying to figure out what the worst part of this movie was: the writing, the acting, the over hype by Hallmark, or the over all plot. I came tot he conclusion that all of them are equally full of suck. I do not recommend this one folks.

With that being said, they announced that Northpole 2 will premiere in 2015 - I can't wait!!

CRY TIME - 119 minutes. I sniffled at the very end.

I give this movie zero candy canes. I would only watch this again if I was paid.

MOVIE REVIEW #4 - THE NINE LIVES OF CHRISTMAS

MOVIE REVIEW #4 - The Nine Lives Of Christmas

Romance, Christmas, and Cats! What else could you ask for during the first really cold week of November? Hallmark has given us a real treat in the form of this original Christmas movie based on the novel by Shelia Roberts.

This is a typical rom-com decorated with Christmas wrapping and twinkle lights. If you are following along with my categories of Christmas movies this is a standard "Christmas heals a broken heart" movie. Our star crossed lovers are Zachary Stone and the no-last-name Marilee. Zach is a firefighter who watched his parents marriage fall apart and therefore doesn't believe in love and Marilee is a would be veterinarian who doesn't have time to date between working at a pet store and studying to clean impacted anal glands. There are also two cats who are stars in this movie. Marilee's cat Queenie is clandestine in that Marilee isn't allowed to have cats in her apartment and Ambrose is a stray cat that finds Zach and moves in with him.

 I am not going to lie this movie is very cutesy and screwball comedy and is about as deep as the water under your Christmas tree, but I loved it. There aren't any amazing laughs and the only tears are the forced schmaltz at the end, but over all was fun, light, and easy to watch. It is also available at walmart as we were told 10000 times while watching this movie.

If you love cats, Christmas, and cheesy romcoms - this is a great choice.

CRY TIME - I had a sniffle about 56 minutes in when they talked about their parents and a single romantic tear at the very end. 

I give this movie 5 Christmas Cats

MOVIE REVIEW #3 - THE THANKSGIVING HOUSE

 MOVIE REVIEW #3 - The Thanksgiving House

I have seen a lot of complaints on facebook, and buzzfeed, and twitter (I really don’t understand twitter) about how the Christmas Season is expanding and how horrible and materialistic this trend is, fine, whatever. 

With my birthday being in November, I consider the Birthday/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year/ Season to just be the world’s way of thanking me for being here. However I will acquiesce to those who think that Christmas is coming to early and review a Thanksgiving movie – The Thanksgiving House.

Thanksgiving movies are far more rare than the multitude of Christmas movies, and generally are always about rebuilding or reuniting family and there is almost always some kind of sadness. I understand this as I have always found Thanksgiving to be bittersweet. It celebrates the past year and the harvest and our blessings; but it also is a sign post to the end of the year. The trees are becoming bare, the skies are grey and the passing of time becomes more apparent. Thanksgiving is the somber sibling to Christmas and New Years and accordingly the movies made about Thanksgiving tend to be somber as well. The Thanksgiving House is a perfect example.

The plot is pretty simple: An emotionally distant Boston lawyer (Mary Ross played by Emily Rose) inherits a house in Plymouth from her recently deceased Aunt. Unbeknownst to her the house may have historical value as the site of the first Thanksgiving. This pits Mary and her unscrupulous boyfriend (who want to sell the house) against a local knight in shining armor/high school science teacher who is weirdly obsessed with thanksgiving and wants the house to be a historic site. Throw in the knight in shining armor’s overly charming parents, a local gossip blogger and some estranged family drama and you have a plot that will pull your heart strings.

Overall this is a pretty good film. It is warm and sweet but not so gooey that you feel your teeth ache. There are a few laughs, and the romance is believable. If you have a cold November Saturday to waste, this movie is a good choice.  

CRY TIME - 60 minutes (I didn't really but it did make me want to have turkey and pumpkin pie and hug my nieces and nephews) Edited Cry Time - 1:55 minutes - reconciliation with estranged family members always worth some tears!

Turkey Rating - 4 out of 5

MOVIE REVIEW #2 - A PRINCESS FOR CHRISTMAS

MOVIE REVIEW #2 - A Princess for Christmas

It is November 1st and The Hallmark Channel has started its Festival of Cheese - Countdown to Christmas.  I caught the last 10 minutes of Hitched for the Holidays and I will likely review it later in the season as it is wonderfully awful. I cannot say the same for today's movie "A Princess for Christmas". This movie is just bad. Not even funny bad or ironic bad - just bad.


Acting - Bad
Casting - Bad
Plot - Bad
Cinematography - Bad

However I will muddle through, in the spirit of making you all laugh at my misery. Ok this is a pretty basic "Christmas Heals a Broken Heart" plot. The story revolves around Jule's Daly. She becomes the caretaker to her sister's two children after the tragic death of her sister and brother in law. I envy them because they didn't have to watch this movie.

The brother in law was a member of what I can only assume is some inbred, hemophiliac,  long forgotten branch of European aristocracy. He was disowned when he married the american floozy that was Jules' sister.

Think that's a long way to go to get two american kids into a European Castle for Christmas? So do I. Let's throw in some other story elements that are needed:

1) Grumpy brokenhearted grandfather (played by  Sir Roger Moore who has not aged gracefully) who doesn't want to celebrate Christmas because he misses his dead son. Note: there is one scene where he looks like vampire. See if you can find it.

2) The younger brother of the dead guy, who is in an unhappy relationship with a snooty semi-European twit. (Guess where that one is going).

3) Two American kids (both very odd looking by the way) who are learning to love again after the death of their parents. The girl would be precocious and cute if she wasn't so 2 dimensional. The boy is apparently some kind of rebel but mostly pouts a lot.

The real star of this movie is the castle. They show it off a lot but even the castle isn't that thrilling. Some of the rooms look more like a train station in Topeka Kansas than the height of European luxury.

Any way the little girl defrosts the grandfather's heart and he decides to host a Christmas Ball. Jules falls in love with the younger brother guy. There is some misunderstanding (it is very very contrived) and Jules decides to leave early and let the kids stay for Christmas. Believe it or not the castle's staff haul Jules back to the castle in time for the Ball. She is announced and makes an entrance like Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion.

Anyway you can figure out the plot from here.

If you haven't seen this one, skip it unless there are no other options for Holiday Hilarity.

CRY TIME - 0 minutes no tears were shed during this movie. (ok, might have had a sniffle at the very end...)

Candy Cane Rating  - 1 out of 5

MOVIE REVIEW #1 - ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS

MOVIE REVIEW #1 - One Magic Christmas (1985) 

Here it is the first Christmas Movie Review of the year! Please ignore that I am publishing this on September 27, when it is supposed to be 80 degrees outside today! :) 

A friend asked me to review this movie and I said yes. I was worried it was going to be super cheesy, but oddly it was a pretty good movie, much better than I expected.

The cinematography is both good and bad, Whoever designed the lighting and color palate was actually very artistic. But I think it needs to be digitally remastered (To be honest I cheaped out and didn’t rent the HD version so that could be part of it) Anyway,  I read that it was filmed in Canada during the winter. The cinematographer used the winter light, and snow to set a tone of sadness and hopelessness. It is a very realistic movie for the most part, except for Harry Dean Stanton as a somewhat menacing Christmas Angel and Santa's workshop run by "good people" who have died. (To be honest I was not quite sure about that part because I was dozing off a little bit.)

This is the story of a poor family having a very hard time right before Christmas. They are getting kicked out of their house, they don't have enough money for Christmas presents, and Mom has lost the Christmas Spirit completely. After a series of sad sad things, some snowglobe magic, and some letters to Santa Claus, the Magic of Christmas makes everything right (including bringing the father back to life after he is murdered in a broad daylight bank robbery – told you it was dark).

This movie brings three of the standard Christmas plots together: Christmas Heals a Broken Heart, Santa is Real!, and It’s A Wonderful Copyright Infringement. (There is also one scene that feels like Let's Plagiarize Dickens but that might be more of a homage than theft.)

A couple of strange things about this movie:

Harry Dean Stanton plays a Christmas Angel, but he wears this dark hat and trench coat and is a little creepy.

The little girl has a really scary doll

And I didn't quite get the connection between the snowglobes and the Mom’s Christmas spirit, but hey what the hell it is almost Christmas.

Cry Time (How long into the movie I started crying) - 28 minutes.

Candy Cane Ranking - 3 out of 5 

Christmas Movies - the cheesiest part of the holidays!

Well, Summer is almost over and that means its time for the Pre-Pre-Christmas Season. If you know me, you know that I love Christmas Movies, So now I have a blog to share my obsession with you.

This blog is not about Good Christmas Movies like ELF, It's a Wonderful Life, or White Christmas. This is about Cheesy Hallmark/Lifetime/ABC Family Christmas Movies.  Some of the "classics" from the recent past include: The Mistle-Tones , High School Holiday Reunion, Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

I will be posting reviews, thoughts, and links about these staples of the Holiday Season! Enjoy!

Christmas Movie Basics

If you are new to TV Christmas Movies, there are few things you should know. First of all, these movies are more "Sharknado" than "Jaws", the acting can be pretty wooden, the characters can be two dimensional, and the plots can be a little fluffy. However, they are always a good romp, always worth a laugh or two (even if you are laughing at the movie not with it), and they always have more Christmas Spirit than one of Santa's helpers hopped up on sugar cookies. 

There are 6 basic Christmas Movie plots

1) Plagiarizing Dickens - this type of movie steals all or part of Charles Dickens' Classic, "A Christmas Carol". It is a story of a miserable lonely person who hates (or ignores) Christmas. Through some supernatural visitation they see that the Christmas Spirit exists and by the time the credits role they are helping Tiny Tim walk again. - "God Bless Us, Everyone!"

2) It's a Wonderful Copyright Infringement - About 20 minutes into this kind of Cheesy Christmas Movie, you will realize that this is a movie basically lifted from Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life". The protagonist has a crisis in their life and through some magic or heavenly miracle, they see what the world would be like without them. - Every time you hear a bell ring, someone steals a movie plot.

3) Christmas Heals a Broken Heart. This movie plot is so easy to do that several mainstream movies like "Love Actually" have used it to great financial success. This type of movie has a protagonist (or several) who is lonely/getting over a past love/widowed/abandoned/orphaned and the magic of Christmas brings them together with the person they need (lover, parent, pet dog, etc.) usually on Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning.

4) Christmas Competition- The background for this Christmas Movie is some kind of competition: Tree decorating, House decorating, Christmas Singing, Christmas Pageant, Cookie Backing, etc. The competition usually becomes so important to everyone that they lose sight of the real meaning of Christmas (until the end when everyone smiles and sings Silent Night and realizes that Christmas is about Love"0.

5) Christmas Saves the Town (or store, or library, or school, or assisted living facility or amusement park or toy company). Once upon a time in America there was a town or some other time honored institution that brought happiness and joy to the world. As less and less people know the "real" meaning of Christmas, the institution has faded a bit. Some rich evil Marty McHumbug decides to buy the land the institution is on and turn it into something awful like a strip club or a car dealership. The town (that has seemingly ignored this institution for many years) comes together to save it and put an end to the evil developers plans. 

6) Santa is REAL! This plot line actually works best with one of the other movie plots, using the REAL Santa as the magic in any of the above plots. But it also can be a stand alone movie. The title says it all - Santa is real and in the modern world - AMAZING!

Lifetime, Hallmark, and ABC Family (the major dealers for us Christmas Movie Addicts) take elements of these plots and mix and match them into a nearly endless quilt of possibilities. 

Autumn starts tomorrow - Merry Christmas and welcome to my Blog!

Well Summer is almost over and that means its time for the Pre-Pre-Christmas Season. if you know me, you know that I love Christmas Movies, So now I have a blog to share my obsession with you.

This blog is not about Good Christmas Movies like ELF, It's a Wonderful Life, or White Christmas. This is about Cheesy Hallmark/Lifetime/ABC Family Christmas Movies.  Some of the "classics" from the recent past include: The Mistle-Tones , High School Holiday Reunion, Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade

I will be posting reviews, thoughts, and links about these staples of the Holiday Season! Feel free to comment , laugh at me, or post your own Holiday Hilarity!

ENJOY!