RAPID FIRE MOVIE REVIEWS! Christmas 2016

Since Thanksgiving Week I have watched a ton of Hallmark Movies so I thought I would try to get them all down in one review:

Broadcasting Christmas – Superman and Sabrina the Teen Age Witch host Good Morning American and Fall in love – I cried at the end it was sweet and funny. Loved it! Much better than Cats, I’ll see it again and again.

Christmas List - Alicia Witt and her annoying laugh go to a cute little town and finds the Christmas Spirt and Love. No tears, but a little warmth in my soul at the end. She is my least favorite Hallmark actress and this movie isn't my favorite either.

A Journey Back to Christmas (Back to the Future Christmas) – Candace Cameron Burr plays a nurse who goes forward in the future from 1945 to 2016 and brings Christmas Spirit and old time family fun to our jaded world. I cried several times. CCB is the queen of Hallmark. This one will make you cry.

Christmas in Homestead – Hollywood goes to a small town to film a Hallmark movie (it is VERY meta). The actress falls in love with the local mayor and he melts her jaded heart – a couple of sniffles at the cute kid. Watch it if you need a short burst of Christmas. 

A Dream of Christmas – This was yet another rip off of the “The Family Man” (Nicholas Cage). It was very sweet and very romantic. Well worth the watch.

Christmas 2016 Movie Review #2 - Every Christmas Has A Story

Did you ever wonder where small towns get their giant Christmas Trees? Ever wonder how a TV reporter would fix her reputation after a gigantic on-air meltdown? Ever wonder what happened to Tommy Bradford after he left Eight is Enough? All that and more will be revealed on this week's Hallmark movie - Every Christmas Has a Story.

This is a basic run of the mill "Christmas Heals a Broken Heart" Plot. Kate Harper (played by Hallmark favorite Lori Loughlin) is a big name TV Host from L.A. On the day before Christmas vacation she knocks over a Christmas tree, pushes a guest and breaks most of the ornament collection of someone who I think was named "Dr. Billy". All of this happened on-air including Kate saying she doesn't like Christmas. 

Well this of course causes a crisis and in the end Kate and her former boyfriend (of course) and now producer (also of course) Jack Brewster are sent to Hollyvale, N.D. to do a nightly report on Christmas. 

I won't give away any more plot except to say, there is mystery, family reunion, romance, and a town sheriff in North Dakota that seemed to have a New Orleans accent. I will also tell you that Willie Aames plays a huge role in the mystery plot!.

This was a pretty lighthearted romp down candy cane lane, but I did get a little teary at the end. Well worth my two hours of time.

There were also a lot of familiar faces in bit parts in this film. I am starting to be convinced that all of the regular Hallmark Movie Stars live in one town in Canada that's like a theater camp and they get called in every day to do different parts. I think Lori Loughlin and Candace Cameron Bure are both in Cabin 8. (The cool girl cabin).

CRY TIME: 118 MINUTES

If I was still doing ratings, I would give this movie three Willie Aames:

Christmas 2016 Movie Review #1 - The Mistletoe Promise

Well Boys and Girls, I hope you were all good this year, Christmas time is approaching quickly so it is time to start watching Christmas Movies!! 

Hallmark started extra early this year with their Countdown to Christmas starting on October 28 and running through December. This is the first movie I am reviewing this year, so buckle into the sleigh, here we go.

Let's kick off this year with a romantic whirl called "The Mistletoe Promise". The movie stars Luke MacFarlane and Jamie King as Nick and Elise, two sad sacks who can't seem to get a break at Christmas. Elise works with her asshole ex-husband who apparently enjoys making her life miserable and Nick works for a law firm that only gives people with families partnerships. 

So what do these two Christmas hating people do? Enter into an agreement where by they pretend to be dating so that Nick can get his promotion and Elise won't feel like a loser to everyone she works with. Can you all see where this is going? Of course you can. 

This movie is sweet and sappy and pretty predictable; but like grandma's snickerdoodles fills you with warmth and happiness. 

I really enjoyed this movie and it brought the holiday tears about an hour in at the tree decorating scene. 

CRY TIME: 43 MINUTES

This year I am dispensing with the candy cane ratings mostly because I think all these movies are pretty wonderful. If something is really awful, like NORTHPOLE or NORTHPOLE 2 comes along, I will let you know. (Thank god there is no NORTHPOLE 3) 

Christmas Movie Review #10 - Family for Christmas

Rarely do you see two levels of plagiarism in one movie, but Hallmark pulled it off this year. Back in 2000, Universal pictures released a great Christmas movie starring Nicholas Cage and Tea Leoni called the Family Guy. It was a heart-warming film with some very funny moments. It was a modern spin on "It's a Wonderful Life".

This year, Hallmark basically made the same movie with Lacey Chalbert called "Family for Christmas". There was one scene, that I swear, used the same script! 

Lacey Chalbert plays the fast paced, hard headed, tv news reporter - Hannah Dunbar. Hannah left her college sweetheart and moved to San Francisco to pursue her dreams. 10 years later, she is successful and enjoying her career but something is missing. Any guesses what that is? Well Christmas is the time for magical wishes and Lacey gets hers. If you don't want to be spoiler, don't watch this movie or Family Man.

Sorry folks, not a lot of tears or candy canes on this one, as I spent most of the movie thinking, "My god how did Hallmark keep from getting sued on this one?"

Candy Canes: 1

Cry Time: Didn't cry on this one (well maybe a sniffle at the end)

Christmas Movie Review #6 Northpole: Open for Business (or Northpole 2 Electric Boogaloo)

So if you read this blog you will remember that I hated Northpole last year. It was awful; awful acting, awful plot, awful casting. Northpole 2 was slightly better. And by slightly, I mean one candy cane stripe better. The plot is a mix of “Santa is Real, Christmas Saves the Hotel, Christmas Heals a Broken Heart, and The Grinch that Plagiarized Christmas.” Lori Laughlin of Full House Fame (pretty much everyone that was on Full House ends up in Hallmark Christmas Movies) plays MacKenzie an appraiser for an auction house who inherits her aunt’s Inn in Vermont (I through for sure they would plagiarize it and call it the Pine Tree Inn from “White Christmas”, but they did not).  Mackenzie plans on selling it off as soon as possible, but goes to inspect the property…

What Mackenzie doesn’t know is that the Northern Lights Inn is actually a magical energy point for Santa Claus and without it, he won’t be able to deliver his gifts (I am unsure if he would abandon the whole trip or if just New England would get screwed). So he sends his most annoying elf – Clementine down to the Inn to give Mackenzie a jolt of Christmas Spirit and save the Inn and save her heart.

This movie has a lot going on. There is a romance sub plot, a kid needing a mom sub plot and some weird subtext about a septuagenarian elf married to a human who makes good biscuits. The whole thing was messy and shoved together. I am sure they will make a “Northpole 3 – Season of the Polar Bear” or some other nonsensical garbage.  I will of course watch it. I have to.

Cry Time: I did not cry except for my inability to turn this horrible film off.

Candy Canes : (I gave it one because it was slightly better than the first one)

Christmas Movie Review #4 and #5 – Charming Christmas & I’m Not Ready for Christmas

 

Over the past two weekends, Hallmark has shown original movies that have very similar plots. In fact there are a couple more on this year’s schedule that also fall into the same box, so I am declaring that there is now a new Christmas movie genre called “The Grinch that Plagiarized Christmas.” These movies always involve a cold hearted capitalist who doesn’t have time for Christmas, or love, or joy and only has time for work.

CHARMING CHRISTMAS

In Charming Christmas we have Julie Benz (Darla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) playing Meredith Rossman, the heir apparent to the Rossman Department Store. She is a cold hearted business woman who is more about money then about the good old American values that made Rossman’s great – taking care of your workers, community over profit, and above all Christmas Joy.

As the Holiday Season rolls around Meredith is put in charge of the possibility of franchising Rossman’s and allowing her parents to retire. At the same time, Meredith’ hires a new store Santa who is well known for bringing the Holiday Spirit to departments stores (Is there some darkweb network of departments store Santa’s that I don’t know about?). By the way, this guy may or may not really be Santa.

Meredith is also made to wear the Mrs. Clause suit that is a Rossman’s tradition, and this starts to thaw her heart and bring her around to Rossman’s as a member of the community, not a cash cow for her and her 1% parents.

There is also a cute portmanteau of sub plots involving Christmas love and family that make this worth watching.  I really liked this movie, but it needed a little more magic at the end. Hallmark should have given us 5 more minutes to wrap up the love story.

One note: I am very tired of this joke in these types of movies: “While other kids were playing with dolls and lego I was playing Monopoly”. It was tired when Alex P. Keaton made the joke on Family Ties, it is tired now.

Crytime – 34 minutes

CHARMING CHRISTMAS: 

I’M NOT READY FOR CHRISTMAS

Ok I have to say out of the gate that one of my least favorite Hallmark movies was “Christmas at Cartwrights” with Alicia Witt and she is in this one so I may have been a little biased going in. This movie, as stated above, is a “The Grinch that Plagiarized Christmas” movie, with a little plot theft from Jim Carey’s “Liar Liar” thrown in. (Seriously I am surprised there was not a cease and desist order from Imagine and Universal Films)

Alicia Witt plays Holly Nolan, an advertising executive who from the first scene is a liar. She lies about everything to everyone around her. (The odd part is that she is a horrible liar). She has a pre-teen niece who, tired of her Aunt Holly’s bullshit excuses for missing her events, askes a street corner Santa to make it so her Aunt Holly can’t lie any more. This of course happens and hilarity (not really) ensues.

Holly finds that having to be honest to the people in her life makes her life more difficult but ultimately more rewarding. This is an interesting question to ponder, but too in-depth for both my blog and this movie

There are a couple of interesting points to make about this movie. 1) Max Caulfeild plays the antagonist in this film. You will remember Maxwell Caulfeild as Michael Carrington from Grease 2. 2) The male models from the last scene look strangely fascist during their runway walk 3) There is an odd continuity error in the scene where Holly is talking to her boss (in his ugly sweater). Watch for the extra walking back and forth in the hallway behind them. I think she may be a Time Lord from the way she appears and disappears. 4) Alicia Witt did record a somewhat catchy Christmas tune for this movie and yes I bought it on Itunes.

Crytime – sniffles only at the very end

I'M NOT READY FOR CHRISTMAS: 

Christmas Movie Review #3 - Ice Sculpture Christmas

I didn't think she would be able to top her Oscar worthy performance in 2012's High School Holiday Reunion, but Rachel Boston may have done it with her performance in 2015's Ice Sculpture Christmas. In this film she plays Callie Shaw a young chef trying to break into the restaurant game and show off her ice sculpting skills at the very same time.

On her first day she (literally) bumps into a boy she met the day she sculpted her first ice angel, and the heat was enough to melt the...well you get what I mean. 

This movie was cute and charming, and had a couple of twists and turns. At the beginning you think that the antagonist is going to be Callie's mean boss (Brenda Strong from Starship Troopers). But no! It is her annoying co-worker played by some bitchy red-head I am not familiar with.

I won't ruin this one for you, but I will tell you that it will warm your heart. You also learn quite a lot about ice sculpting. For instance: Ice blocks have to 'temper' before they can be cut or they might fracture, and  that a Japanese handled ice saw is a thing. So this was a fun, romantic little romp that I enjoyed very much. I would recommend it on a chilly Saturday night.

CRY TIME: 90 minutes

Christmas Movie Review #2 - The Christmas Lodge

This is the story of Mary, an architect and preservationist, who returns to The Christmas Lodge, a place full of memories from her childhood to find that this lovely mountain home is not only in a state of disrepair but inhabited by a studly mountain man who is clearly a much better match for her than her city slicker boyfriend, Kent. (By the way you will note that I do not have any links to other films these actors have been in – the reason is that most of them haven’t been in much you have seen, so you can do your own IMDB search this time around).

Mary’s family is somewhat obsessed with the Christmas Lodge, and it is seemingly completely entangled in their lives. Mary decides to take her family (apparently all builders and contractors), to the Christmas Lodge to save it.  

There are some other elements to this movie, a sick grandfather, a little girl in need of a mother, and people who need a family. I am not going to go too deeply into the plot, as I really enjoyed this movie, and don’t want to ruin it!  I liked that it was sappy and sweet, and that the characters were all kind and innocent.

This is a simple movie, with a sweet message and while it was spiritual and Christian themed, it wasn’t overly preachy or heavy handed. If you get a chance watch this one, it will make you smile, and sniffle, and call your mom and tell her you love her.

CRY TIME – 1 Hour and 24 minutes

4 candy canes

Christmas Movie Review #1 - Tis the Season for Love

And here we go! Hallmark’s first original movie of the season is Tis the Season for Love. This started out as a pretty typical “Christmas heals a broken heart” story. Beth Baker is an out of work actress living on the couch of her (oddly evil looking) roommate looking for her first acting break. It isn’t working out for Beth. (Note if the acting of the character Beth Baker is as bad as the acting of the actress Sarah Lancaster, this is not surprising).

So Beth decides to go back to the small town where she grew up, to celebrate the holidays. Everyone in her town is excited to see her since she apparently cut all of them out of her life when she moved to the big city. Her ex boyfriend is now married with kids and everyone has moved on in life (as people do). At one point she goes to see the town Santa Claus (yeah I thought it was borderline creepy on both their parts) and he gives her this magic key that gives her the power to see what her life might have been like, turning this into an “It’s a Wonderful Copyright Infringement."

So I got up to get some tea at about 9:00 p.m. and the second half of the movie is a little different, now there has been some kind of zombie apocalypse and we are following the story of a guy on a killing rampage. He gets captured by some psychologist/cheese maker and is being taught Akido. I am not sure if this is some surreal Christmas Fantasy thing or what. More once the movie is over...

Ok, so it seems that my wife may have changed the channel to The Walking Dead last night, sorry if there was some confusion, now back to the review of "Tis the Season for Love". 

Sadly the movie doesn't make a hell of a lot more sense watching it without the zombies.  It is overly planned out, it doesn't naturally flow from one situation to another, and it is disjointed as well. It is almost like the writer had two ideas for Christmas movies and jammed them together. There is a story about a woman coming back to her home town and finding that her real dream is to be happy and in love, then there is this whole other story about the choices we make and following our dreams. In the middle of all that we have a magical key, a kids Christmas pageant, and a David Mamet play.

I found it hard to follow. READ THAT AGAIN, I found a Hallmark Christmas movie hard to follow. I mean this isn't a deep complex movie like Momento, this is Tis the Season for Love if it is hard to follow, I am going to attribute that to bad writing, not an intellectual failure on my part. Other's may disagree...

I won't spoil the last 45 minutes... Seriously if you didn't see it coming from the first 5 minutes you are all hopped up on egg nog.

CRY TIME - NOT AT ALL, NOT EVEN A SNIFFLE. (well ok maybe at the very end.)

I give this movie, 1 Morgan. I would have enjoyed a Walking Dead Cross over this one.

Fall Movie Review #2 - Growing the Big One (no I am not kidding)

As I mentioned, my wife insisted that I watch some Thanksgiving movies before I dive into Christmas. I bucked her directive and instead watched an Autumn themed movie, "Growing the Big One" (Seriously, that is the title and it is not a porno). 

This is a sappy little tale starring Shannon Doherty (BH 90210) as Emma Smith a radio talk show host who has to rush to a small town to take care of her recently deceased grandfather's estate (a pumpkin farm) She meets local studboy Seth (no last name like Cher) played by Kavan Smith (nothing you have ever seen). 

Apparently Emma's grandfather was one of the local pumpkin kings and she has a family rep to protect. Through a series of events and a very badly played poker game, they end up teaming up to join the local pumpkin growing contest. Hence - Growing the Big One. 

Emma's evil boss at the radio station gives her a new assignment a radio/webcam show about a city girl in the country. Emma hates this but it becomes wildly popular and Seth becomes a regular part of the show. You can also imagine all the slapstick comedy as the city mouse tries to learn how to run a farm.

You can guess what happens. She and Seth win the contest! She then  gets an offer to move up to the big time because the radio show is such a hit. She accepts, but at the last minute she decided to stay in Hooterville (or whatever the town is called). The best line in the entire movie is when Emma says, "this place not only grows great pumpkins but great friends..."

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the scene in which I figured out that everyone in the cast thought the title sounded like a porno too:

A group of people are looking at the giant pumpkin that Emma and Seth grew and they are getting ready to transport it to the pumpkin festival. 

Guy one: You need to cut that stem so we can get it out of here.

Emma: How long should it be?

Guy two: about 11 or 12 inches, you don't want it to get dry.

I did not cry at all during this movie, so no cry time, but it was mildly entertaining. I will give it 2 pumpkins.