MOVIE REVIEW #5 - NORTHPOLE

MOVIE REVIEW #5 - Northpole

Ok I know that a lot of these Christmas movies are bad movies with very little plot, but most of the time there is at least a little magic in them. I am sad to say that Hallmark Channel's "NORTHPOLE" is lacking completely.  I wanted to like this movie, because the "Santa is real" genre is one of my favorites, but for the most part I couldn't.

Ok the plot is a pretty typical "Christmas heals a broken heart" + "Santa is real+It's Christmas, let's save the park". Tiffany Thiessen (yes that one from Saved by the Bell and 90210 ) plays a single mom / reporter who moves to a new town with her son Kevin. Kevin is a weird kid who no one likes (this doesn't really change much) and is having a hard time adjusting to the new town. 

Soon after arrival they find out that the town's tree-lighting ceremony has been cancelled for some seemingly nefarious reason. Mom the reporter assisted by Kevin's creepily involved teacher, Kevin, and this strange elf girl Clementine, try to save not only the town's tree lighting ceremony, but Northpole (the town where Santa and the elves live. (There is this oddly well thought-out magic in which happiness and Christmas cheer on earth makes the northern lights that in turn powers Santa's toy making operations),

Anyway without ruining the so called plot: the tree lighting happens, the town is saved, Tiffany Thiessen learns to believe in her kid and fall in love with his teacher, and Christmas is saved. 

I was trying to figure out what the worst part of this movie was: the writing, the acting, the over hype by Hallmark, or the over all plot. I came tot he conclusion that all of them are equally full of suck. I do not recommend this one folks.

With that being said, they announced that Northpole 2 will premiere in 2015 - I can't wait!!

CRY TIME - 119 minutes. I sniffled at the very end.

I give this movie zero candy canes. I would only watch this again if I was paid.

MOVIE REVIEW #2 - A PRINCESS FOR CHRISTMAS

MOVIE REVIEW #2 - A Princess for Christmas

It is November 1st and The Hallmark Channel has started its Festival of Cheese - Countdown to Christmas.  I caught the last 10 minutes of Hitched for the Holidays and I will likely review it later in the season as it is wonderfully awful. I cannot say the same for today's movie "A Princess for Christmas". This movie is just bad. Not even funny bad or ironic bad - just bad.


Acting - Bad
Casting - Bad
Plot - Bad
Cinematography - Bad

However I will muddle through, in the spirit of making you all laugh at my misery. Ok this is a pretty basic "Christmas Heals a Broken Heart" plot. The story revolves around Jule's Daly. She becomes the caretaker to her sister's two children after the tragic death of her sister and brother in law. I envy them because they didn't have to watch this movie.

The brother in law was a member of what I can only assume is some inbred, hemophiliac,  long forgotten branch of European aristocracy. He was disowned when he married the american floozy that was Jules' sister.

Think that's a long way to go to get two american kids into a European Castle for Christmas? So do I. Let's throw in some other story elements that are needed:

1) Grumpy brokenhearted grandfather (played by  Sir Roger Moore who has not aged gracefully) who doesn't want to celebrate Christmas because he misses his dead son. Note: there is one scene where he looks like vampire. See if you can find it.

2) The younger brother of the dead guy, who is in an unhappy relationship with a snooty semi-European twit. (Guess where that one is going).

3) Two American kids (both very odd looking by the way) who are learning to love again after the death of their parents. The girl would be precocious and cute if she wasn't so 2 dimensional. The boy is apparently some kind of rebel but mostly pouts a lot.

The real star of this movie is the castle. They show it off a lot but even the castle isn't that thrilling. Some of the rooms look more like a train station in Topeka Kansas than the height of European luxury.

Any way the little girl defrosts the grandfather's heart and he decides to host a Christmas Ball. Jules falls in love with the younger brother guy. There is some misunderstanding (it is very very contrived) and Jules decides to leave early and let the kids stay for Christmas. Believe it or not the castle's staff haul Jules back to the castle in time for the Ball. She is announced and makes an entrance like Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion.

Anyway you can figure out the plot from here.

If you haven't seen this one, skip it unless there are no other options for Holiday Hilarity.

CRY TIME - 0 minutes no tears were shed during this movie. (ok, might have had a sniffle at the very end...)

Candy Cane Rating  - 1 out of 5

MOVIE REVIEW #1 - ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS

MOVIE REVIEW #1 - One Magic Christmas (1985) 

Here it is the first Christmas Movie Review of the year! Please ignore that I am publishing this on September 27, when it is supposed to be 80 degrees outside today! :) 

A friend asked me to review this movie and I said yes. I was worried it was going to be super cheesy, but oddly it was a pretty good movie, much better than I expected.

The cinematography is both good and bad, Whoever designed the lighting and color palate was actually very artistic. But I think it needs to be digitally remastered (To be honest I cheaped out and didn’t rent the HD version so that could be part of it) Anyway,  I read that it was filmed in Canada during the winter. The cinematographer used the winter light, and snow to set a tone of sadness and hopelessness. It is a very realistic movie for the most part, except for Harry Dean Stanton as a somewhat menacing Christmas Angel and Santa's workshop run by "good people" who have died. (To be honest I was not quite sure about that part because I was dozing off a little bit.)

This is the story of a poor family having a very hard time right before Christmas. They are getting kicked out of their house, they don't have enough money for Christmas presents, and Mom has lost the Christmas Spirit completely. After a series of sad sad things, some snowglobe magic, and some letters to Santa Claus, the Magic of Christmas makes everything right (including bringing the father back to life after he is murdered in a broad daylight bank robbery – told you it was dark).

This movie brings three of the standard Christmas plots together: Christmas Heals a Broken Heart, Santa is Real!, and It’s A Wonderful Copyright Infringement. (There is also one scene that feels like Let's Plagiarize Dickens but that might be more of a homage than theft.)

A couple of strange things about this movie:

Harry Dean Stanton plays a Christmas Angel, but he wears this dark hat and trench coat and is a little creepy.

The little girl has a really scary doll

And I didn't quite get the connection between the snowglobes and the Mom’s Christmas spirit, but hey what the hell it is almost Christmas.

Cry Time (How long into the movie I started crying) - 28 minutes.

Candy Cane Ranking - 3 out of 5