Christmas Movie Review #11 - Becoming Santa

An early favorite for this year’s most awesome cheesy Christmas Movie is “Becoming Santa”. So in this wonderfully sweet little film, we have Holly Klaus a veterinarian with a secret. Her Boyfriend, Connor is a Christmas nut and wants to propose but being old-fashioned, he wants to asks Holly’s parents first. 

Here is where Holly’s secret comes into play. Her parents are 80’s sitcom stars Meredith Baxter and Michael Gross (Family Ties).  Actually, their real secret is that they are Santa and Mrs. Claus!!!!!
Well after a strange non-consensual drugging of Connor to get him to the north pole, Conner meets the Clauses. By the way Connor is a bit of a dim Christmas bulb and even with all the signs pointing to SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS, he doesn’t quite get it until about halfway through the movie.

A couple of things I learned in this movie:

Communication of Family Obligations is important.

I don’t think Holly Claus should drug her boyfriend.

Jack Frost is kind of an asshole.

Connor might be good looking but he is a moron.

I will say that this movie had the quickest sniffle time ever for me – 3 minutes.

CANDY CANES: 4

CRY TIME: 3 minutes

Christmas Movie Review #10 - Family for Christmas

Rarely do you see two levels of plagiarism in one movie, but Hallmark pulled it off this year. Back in 2000, Universal pictures released a great Christmas movie starring Nicholas Cage and Tea Leoni called the Family Guy. It was a heart-warming film with some very funny moments. It was a modern spin on "It's a Wonderful Life".

This year, Hallmark basically made the same movie with Lacey Chalbert called "Family for Christmas". There was one scene, that I swear, used the same script! 

Lacey Chalbert plays the fast paced, hard headed, tv news reporter - Hannah Dunbar. Hannah left her college sweetheart and moved to San Francisco to pursue her dreams. 10 years later, she is successful and enjoying her career but something is missing. Any guesses what that is? Well Christmas is the time for magical wishes and Lacey gets hers. If you don't want to be spoiler, don't watch this movie or Family Man.

Sorry folks, not a lot of tears or candy canes on this one, as I spent most of the movie thinking, "My god how did Hallmark keep from getting sued on this one?"

Candy Canes: 1

Cry Time: Didn't cry on this one (well maybe a sniffle at the end)

Christmas Movie Review #9 - The Flight Before Christmas

Ok so I am a little behind on Movie Reviews. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching! So please fasten your seat belts and return your seats to the upright position, we are ready for take off.

So remember a month or so ago when I told you that Lifetime and Hallmark had dueling Christmas movies about flight delays? I reviewed Hallmark’s entry (A Christmas Detour) last time. Now I have Lifetime’s “The Flight Before Christmas” to tell you about. Spoiler - Lifetime’s was better!

In this Merry little romp we have Mayim Bialik (yes Blossom) as Stephanie Michelle Hunt and Ryan McPartlin (from Chuck) as Michael Nolan both live in L.A. but have ties to the East Coast.

After what is one of the most brutal dumpings to ever occur on TV, Stephanie’s boyfriend waits until she is all packed and ready to move into his apartment to tell her he is having second thoughts. (He is a tool). So not having anywhere to spend Christmas, she decides to head home to Connecticut (maybe Boston?) to celebrate Chritmas/Hanukkah with her half Christian / half Jewish family.

Michael Nolan on the other hand is flying to NY (or again maybe Boston?) to see his Long Distance Fiance (I don’t know her name my notes just say bitch).

Through a madcap series of events including Brian Doyle Murray as a Secret Santa and a surprise snow storm that shuts down all flights in the US, Stephanie and Michael end up spending time in a small town in Montana. If you guessed that they hated each other and then fall in love - you got it. There are the normal ups and downs but you know where this ends up - a dive bar on New Years Eve.

I liked this one a lot better than the Hallmark version, because there was some actual chemistry between to two leads.

Cry Time: 22 Minutes (the break up was rough)

3 Candy Canes

Christmas Movie Review #8 – A Christmas Detour

Candice Cameron Bure’s 2015 entry in the cheesefest that is Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas is “A Christmas Detour”. She plays an oddly bitchy and anxious Paige Summerlind. Paige is travelling to the Big Apple to meet her “soulmate’s” family to plan their wedding. The movie starts out with Paige annoying the hell out of everyone at LAX at every turn: Picking a seat (who does this at the ticket counter at an airport?), pointing out to people at a newsstand that she wrote the article in a wedding magazine (I would have called a cop), and  bringing on a giant vision board as a carry one (wouldn’t the flight attendant have stopped her).

She sits beside a cynical bastard named Dylan (no last name but I am thinking it is McKay) on the flight to New York and goes on and on and on about fate and soulmates and true love. I was kind of hoping there were snakes on the plane to shut her up.

Anyway the flight is diverted to Buffalo because of a giant storm coming up the East Coast and Paige is forced to turn energies into annoying the other people stuck in Buffalo.  The second half of the movie is a little better not because of Paige and Dylan but the because of Maxine and Frank the secondary couple. They are a hoot and provide a nice counterpoint to Paige’s bullshit on the long trip to NYC (ROAD TRIP!)

So yeah, I didn’t like this one very much, but the last 45 minutes were sweet and worth the ticket price.

Cry Time: 90 Minutes

2 Candy Canes

Christmas Movie Review #7 - Angels Sing

So by now you should be well into your fourth or fifth turkey/stuffing/cranberry sauce sandwich, and likely are looking for a Christmas movie to watch. Let me suggest Angels Sing, a 2013 film starring Harry Connick, Jr. as Michael Walker, a man who hates Christmas. This heartwarming and charmingly musical film is about love, family, music, and healing.

Michael and his wife Susan (Connie Britton) find themselves looking for a new home and come across an amazing bargain on the world famous Live Oak Lane in Austin Tx. (A street known for its Christmas Lights.) Through the magic of Christmas, Michael’s family comes together and heals some new and old hurts.

I don’t want to talk too much about the plot because it really is a great little film. The soundtrack is also wonderful and worth the purchase price. I will, however, link you to a video of one of the great music scenes in this film.

Cry time: 25 minutes

4 Willie Nelsons

Christmas Movie Review #6 Northpole: Open for Business (or Northpole 2 Electric Boogaloo)

So if you read this blog you will remember that I hated Northpole last year. It was awful; awful acting, awful plot, awful casting. Northpole 2 was slightly better. And by slightly, I mean one candy cane stripe better. The plot is a mix of “Santa is Real, Christmas Saves the Hotel, Christmas Heals a Broken Heart, and The Grinch that Plagiarized Christmas.” Lori Laughlin of Full House Fame (pretty much everyone that was on Full House ends up in Hallmark Christmas Movies) plays MacKenzie an appraiser for an auction house who inherits her aunt’s Inn in Vermont (I through for sure they would plagiarize it and call it the Pine Tree Inn from “White Christmas”, but they did not).  Mackenzie plans on selling it off as soon as possible, but goes to inspect the property…

What Mackenzie doesn’t know is that the Northern Lights Inn is actually a magical energy point for Santa Claus and without it, he won’t be able to deliver his gifts (I am unsure if he would abandon the whole trip or if just New England would get screwed). So he sends his most annoying elf – Clementine down to the Inn to give Mackenzie a jolt of Christmas Spirit and save the Inn and save her heart.

This movie has a lot going on. There is a romance sub plot, a kid needing a mom sub plot and some weird subtext about a septuagenarian elf married to a human who makes good biscuits. The whole thing was messy and shoved together. I am sure they will make a “Northpole 3 – Season of the Polar Bear” or some other nonsensical garbage.  I will of course watch it. I have to.

Cry Time: I did not cry except for my inability to turn this horrible film off.

Candy Canes : (I gave it one because it was slightly better than the first one)

Thanksgiving Movie Review #3 - Jim Henson's Turkey Hollow

Once upon a time The Emerson Family (well Dad and two Kids, mom does not appear in this film) go to Crazy Hippy Aunt Cly (Mary Steenburgen) in Turkey Hollow. The town is surrounded by a forest that is said to be haunted by the Howling Hoodoo an evil monster that seems half troll / half bigfoot.

The eldest daughter is angry at being off the grid (no wifi or cell service in Turkey Hollow), the younger son is sucked into the mystery of the Howling Hoodoo and gets wrapped up in mystery, conspiracy, dirty money, and poultry sales.

The movie is actually pretty cute, and Mary Steenburgen plays her part well. The rest of the acting isn’t too bad either. This would be a fun movie for kids. It has some good themes about family and the environment and being a good person. The muppet things are cute as hell. So there we are - another Thanksgiving Movie!

Cry Time: NO tears!

This is a four gobbler movie